Dinner Dysfunction
by Wandering Namekian
Summary: Post-series and villain-centric. Drakken's mother insists that he has a dinner party so that she can meet his friends. Not having any, he invites the other villains. Predictable chaos ensues. Shego/Drakken, Monkey Fist/DNAmy, and Kim/Ron.


**Disclaimer: **I don't own Kim Possible, if anything, it owns me (but not as much as Invader Zim does).

**A/N: **This is set after the series, and it kind of assumes a few things. A) That Drakken and Shego's potential relationship works out, and B) That DNAmy manages to turn Monkey Fist back to normal and their relationship works out too. If you want to know why, I _could_ write a story or two explaining it (and may even do so), but for the purposes of this story its mainly because its funnier. I think that's it. Please enjoy!

...I also apologize for Duff Killigan's dialogue, I feel like I butchered it so much.

**Edit: **Okay, so after this story being posted for over a month I realized that the page breaks were not there. They got lost in the upload somehow. I apologize for how confusing that must have been. I just re-uploaded to fix that.

**Summary:** Post-series and villain-centric. Drakken's mother insists that he has a dinner party so that she can meet his friends. Not having any, he invites the other villains. Predictable chaos ensues. Shego/Drakken, Monkey Fist/DNAmy, and Kim/Ron.

**Dinner Dysfunction**

"Drewbie!" The voice of Drakken's mother echoed through his lair, which he'd done his best to make at least resemble some sort of home in the last twenty-four hours (ie: the twenty-four hours since his mother had called him and demanded he throw a dinner party so she could meet all of his "successful business friends"). All this really meant, however, was that there was now normal furniture placed somewhat randomly around the villainous inventions.

Drakken's face fell. "Great. She's early."

Shego didn't even look up from the magazine she was reading. "I just hope she didn't bring your loser cousin."

"Cousin Drew! Where are you? Seriously?" Motor Ed's voice rang out.

Shego groaned. "Lovely."

Drakken fought the urge to grab Shego and head for the escape craft they had waiting in the back of the lab and instead called out, "In here, Mother!"

"Oh there you are!" His mother said as she walked into the room. "I'm so excited to meet all of your little friends! Especially now that you finally have a girlfriend." She gave Drakken a tight hug. He gave her a somewhat pained smile. "It's like your life is finally coming together! Why I remember when you could barely even talk to gir—"

"That's great, Mother!" Drakken said loudly, attempting to shut her up. "Why don't you go...erm... start dinner? I'll be there to help you in a few minutes." Hopefully after he found his earplugs.

"Isn't _she_ going to cook?" His mother indicated Shego.

There were a few moment of uncomfortable silence before Shego began to laugh loudly, then abruptly stopped. "I don't _do_ domestic. No sewing, no cleaning and _no_ cooking."

"Well, that just won't do," Drakken's mother said, putting her hands on her hips.

"Yeah," Motor Ed added. "Babes are supposed to cook, seriously."

For a brief moment, Shego appreciated that, despite his family's influence, Drakken was not a sexist jerk. However the moment was almost unnoticeably brief, due to the amount of rage that set in immediately afterward. Her hands glowed and she was about to go for Motor Ed's throat when Drakken stepped between them. "Dr. D what do you think you're do—?" Drakken was lucky she didn't just grab him and throw him to the side (with her hands still alight) but she supposed that there had to be some perks of dating her, and a very small amount of mercy was one of them.

He grabbed her by the shoulders, still eying her hands nervously, and pulled her to the side. "Shego, please I know you don't want to, but if you could just do this for my mother—"

"What?" Shego asked loudly. Drakken flinched. She took her voice down a notch. "Dr. D, you know we've discussed this, I _don't_ cook."

"I know... but please, just this once. It'll be easier for all of us if Mother doesn't make a scene."

"No way!"

"Please!" He begged.

Shego realized she probably wasn't going to get out of this. She sighed. "Fine, but you owe me. Big."

Drakken smiled. "Got it!"

Shego stepped around him so that she could see Drakken's mother again. "I'm going to erm... get started on dinner then." It sounded as if it actually caused her physical pain to say the words. She reluctantly began to head for the kitchen.

His mother clapped and headed off to the kitchen after her. "Oh this is going to be so much fun! You boys just wait here!" Drakken immediately wondered how worried he should be for his mother's safety.

"So, cousin Drew, I totally can't believe you're dating Green. Like how does that happen, seriously?"

"Aliens trying to take over the world, mutant flowers growing out of my neck... I think that was how it basically happened..." Drakken coughed a bit. He didn't really like talking about his relationship with Shego. Probably because it was something he had absolutely no understanding of or control over, and it therefore scared him very much when he really thought about it.

Drakken really hoped someone would show up _before _Ed got the chance to ask any more awkward questions, but he then realized that since his mother and cousin had shown up an hour early the odds of that happening were extremely slim.

Which was why, Drakken was so very confused when, as Motor Ed opened his mouth to respond, the doorbell rang. "I better go get that, union rules say Hench-people can't open doors..." He laughed nervously and darted away from the increasingly awkward conversation.

He soon opened the door to see Duff Killigan. "Ay, sorry I'm late. But ye could put yer lab in a less difficult place ta find. I mean it blends right inta the mountain. Ye could 'ave a' least put balloons out fer the party."

"Yes, yes..." Drakken said impatiently. "I'll remember that for next tim— Did you say _late_?"

"Ay...I did. Party started at six, didn' it?"

"No. It starts at seven."

"Nay... Monkey Fist said that _you_ said it started at six."

"Well," Drakken crossed his arms. "You must have misheard him. I mean he's not here." The doorbell rang again. Drakken's face fell. "...yet."

He sighed and opened the door again to see Monkey Fist and "Ah! DNAmy!" Drakken couldn't help but scream her name in terror, it was just how he reacted to seeing her now. "Why did you bring _her_?" He demanded of Monkey Fist.

Monkey Fist narrowed his eyes. "Because one does not go out on Saturday evening and leave one's paramour behind. I assumed that you had meant to invite both of us by incessantly calling me last night. You seemed so desperate for people at the time I don't understand why you would be so picky now."

Was there a particular _reason_ that Drakken would be upset about him bringing Amy? Oh right. There was. But really, that had been years ago. Nearly two, in fact. But he supposed holding ridiculously long grudges over minor blows to one's ego was part of what being a villain was all about, meaning that it wasn't so surprising.

Was it possible that Amy still held some sort of grudge as well? Assuming he remembered correctly, she really had no reason to. She'd basically won that day, recovering whatever it was Drakken had stolen from her and leaving both his heart and dignity in pieces on the ground. Then again, Amy could have only agreed to come tonight in the hopes of stepping on said pieces. That was something she would do.

Amy laughed amiably. "Oh come on, you're not still sore about _that_, are you?" She asked Drakken as if doing so would have been the most ridiculous thing she'd ever heard.

Before Drakken had a chance to respond the monkey ninjas ran past him in a pack, almost knocking him over. "You brought them _too_?" He asked, pointing at the monkeys who were proceeding to jump all over the furniture he'd just bought.

"If you're going to continue to complain, we can just leave," Monkey Fist said, all but asking for the excuse to do so. He'd been the last person Drakken had called the night before, which had meant Drakken had _continued_ to call him until he had agreed to come, it did not mean that he actually _wanted_ to be there.

"N-No! You have to stay!"

Monkey Fist raised an eyebrow and took a small, slightly alarmed step away from Drakken's sudden desperation, as it made him moderately uncomfortable and even less willing to be close to him than he was normally.

Drakken knew he couldn't lose any more guests. Yes, he hated DNAmy, but tonight he could use her to his advantage. As long as she didn't splice anyone at the dinner table, it would look to his mother as if he had another normal, respectable friend. "Just erm.. make yourselves at home." He held out his arm to the furniture now being populated by monkey ninjas. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to...uh.. check on dinner!" He ran back toward the kitchen.

"So.." Duff started, looking from Monkey Fist and DNAmy to the monkey ninjas. "Do ye always bring yer monkeys on yer dates or..."

* * *

Drakken came running into the kitchen, where he found Shego, but for some reason his mother seemed to have stepped out, at least for the moment. "Shego!" he complained. "Monkey Fist brought DNAmy! Also what does 'paramour' mean?"

Shego raised an eyebrow. "That depends. Who said it?"

"Monkey Fist."

"And whom did he say it about?"

"DNAmy."

"Oh, then it means 'girlfriend'... probably."

"Oh, that explains a lot. Like why he brought her along." Drakken thought for a moment. "I thought they broke up."

"They did. But they've been together again ever since he stopped being a statue-thing... or whatever Possible did to him."

"How do _you _know all this?"

"Henchbook. It has a very comprehensive list of villain relationships."

His eyes narrowed as he prepared to complain. "Social Networking sites, destroying the very fabric of our societies by replacing social interaction with the internet."

"Because you, Dementor and Monkey Fist used to have such vibrant and exciting social lives. It's really a tragedy."

"Exactly, I-" Drakken stopped for a moment, his tone changing from annoyed to apprehensive. "...Are we on the list?"

She looked at him as if he was the dumbest person she'd ever met, but he didn't say anything. He wasn't sure if her look meant whether they were or not. Either was really feasible. Luckily for him, she actually decided to answer him with words. "Well, we're villains, _and_ we're in a relationship. So it seems like it would be _kind_ of strange if we weren't."

"O-Oh... right, o-of course..." A moderately uncomfortable silence set in, as he wasn't really sure whether she simply thought he was being stupid or had actually realized he was insecure. Drakken knew that sort of thing was impossible to know as far as Shego was concerned; so instead, he ventured a look at whatever it was Shego was attempting to prepare. Unfortunately, looking at it did not in anyway help him to identify it. She shot him a dangerous sort of look, as if she was daring him to say something negative about it. "Umm... it looks...erm..great." He gave her a smile.

She turned away from him, content enough with his answer not to attack him on the spot. "If you _ever_ make me do this again, I _will_ murder you in your sleep."

Drakken winced a bit and let out a nervous laugh. "I know you will." He looked at the ground. "Look, Shego..."

"Huh?" She looked up at him, her face softening ever so slightly his change in tone.

"I just wanted to say that I'm really so—"

"Drew!" His mother said harshly, interrupting him as she came bustling into the room. "What are you doing in here? Get out there and entertain your guests." She began to push him out of the kitchen back into the living room. "Here I'll go with you, so I can meet them."

"Wait, Mother, I-!" He started, but it was too late, she had already pushed him back into the living room.

"Ay," Duff Killigan nodded understandingly. "I can see how it'd be hard to find someone willin' ta watch 'em on such short notice."

Drakken cleared his throat to interrupt their conversation. "Umm... everyone... I'd like you to meet my mother."

Monkey Fist and DNAmy seemed to be moderately confused by what he'd just said and exchanged glances. Duff Killigan, on the other hand, clearly thought it was perfectly normal. He walked over to Drakken's mother and shook her hand, and gave her a sort of terrifying smile. "Duff Killigan, world's most dangerous golfer."

Drakken suddenly realized, much to his horror, he'd forgotten to mention to the others that his mother had no idea he was a super villain or that she thought they were his high standing professional friends. Drakken laughed nervously. "Yes, Duff is a real...erm.. terror on the golf course. You should see him, puts the rest of us to shame."

"Oh, Drew I didn't know you'd taken up golf. How nice."

Okay. He'd gotten through that one. Then again, Monkey Fist and DNAmy were weirder than Duff Killigan by orders of magnitude. _Many_ orders of magnitude. Drakken looked at the two of them, biting his lip nervously.

For a moment, Monkey Fist was even more confused by Drakken's sudden cover-up story than he was about meeting his mother. Suddenly it all made sense. Drakken's mother had no idea he was a super villain. He supposed villainy didn't lend itself to healthy familial relationships, but still, it seemed like a fairly major fact to keep from one's immediate family. The whole affair didn't really concern him, so he decided against blowing Drakken's cover outright. "Lord Monty Fiske," he said, shaking her hand.

She turned back to Drakken afterward and whispered loudly, "Why are his hands covered in hair?"

"It's...erm... a skin condition." Drakken said quickly, unfortunately for him Monkey Fist answered at the exact same time.

"Genetic mutation surgery." He shot Drakken a glare. If Drakken wanted to lie about it, he really _could_ have come up with something better.

Amy smiled at her. "I did it myself, isn't it great?" She held out her hand. "Amy Hall, geneticist."

Drakken's mother shook her hand. "Oh... are those your monkeys?" she asked, indicating the monkeys, who had moved on from the furniture and were now causing moderate chaos all over Drakken's lab.

She nodded. "Yep, they're ours." Amy took Monkey Fist's hand and leaned up against him a bit to indicate they were together. Monkey Fist gave a slightly annoyed sigh, but didn't move away from her.

"I see.." Drakken's mother pulled Drakken aside and whispered loudly to him. "Drew, your British friend seems kind of... crazy."

Drakken let out a very nervous laugh for what seemed to be the millionth time that evening. "No... he's just... eccentric. He has a royal title, he's supposed to be that way."

Drakken's mother's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh. Of course, how silly of me."

Monkey Fist wondered if he'd ever been so compelled to hit a woman who _wasn't_ Kim Possible before.

"Drew, why are all of your guests just standing around like this? Please, have a seat. I'm sorry my son is being so uncharacteristically rude." Drakken's mother led the way over to the furniture, where they all sat down sort of awkwardly.

Duff Killigan looked around. "Ay, where be the lass with the glowin' hands?"

"Oh, Shego?" Drakken asked. "She's in the kitchen cooking dinner."

There was a moment of silence before the room erupted in laughter. Even the _monkeys_ laughed. It seemed to Drakken that everyone was laughing but him. It reminded him very much of middle school: he'd hated middle school.

When the laughter quieted down Duff Killigan looked at him again and noticed that he hadn't been laughing. "Oh, yer serious..." An uncomfortable silence descended upon the room once again.

"So," Drakken's mother began. "What do you all do in your spare time?"

Drakken gave them all a "you know she doesn't know I'm a super villain please don't blow my cover" look. Unfortunately for him, Duff Killigan completely missed it and Monkey Fist was now set on finding ways to make his mother feel uncomfortable.

Monkey Fist gave her a disquieting smile. "I research the dark, mystical origins of Tai Shing Pek Kwar and the ancient, ritualistic cults associated with its practice."

"Practice making me own patented explodin' golf balls."

Drakken slapped his own forehead with his palm, but braced himself for more. DNAmy hadn't even said anything yet.

DNAmy smiled. "I like to bake. Cookies, cupcakes, you name it, I can bake it." She giggled a bit.

Drakken narrowed his eyes at her. No talk of splicing people and animals into unholy amalgamations? He wasn't complaining by any means, but he certainly was suspicious. Before he could contemplate the possible reasons for DNAmy acting so very normal he noticed smoke coming from the kitchen and heard Shego yelling in frustration.

"That is _it!_ I've had it with this!" The familiar sounds of Shego shooting the radioactive green fire from her hands and hitting things like walls and tables could be heard.

"Oh my," DNAmy said, with a small laugh. "Sounds like someone is a little lost... Don't worry! I can save any meal! I'll be right back." She got up and all but skipped to the kitchen.

It occurred to Monkey Fist that she seemed a bit too eager to help, even for Amy, and for some reason he sensed malice in her actions. One vote on the side of Amy being here to step on the remaining pieces of Drakken's dignity.

"Hey, cousin Drew, you just left me alone in that room, seriously. It took me like forever to find my way here, your house is way too confusing, seriously," Motor Ed said as he walked into the room.

"What is _that_?" Monkey Fist asked, as he spotted Motor Ed. The only thing that Monkey Fist could think was that this man seemed to be the American 1980s anthropomorphized. It was disgusting. He immediately wished that Amy hadn't left, because now the most obvious empty spot in the room was on the couch, next to him.

"Motor Ed, I'm Drew's cousin, nice to meet ya." He held out his hand, which Monkey Fist did not shake.

"Fascinating..." Despite the fact that Monkey Fist made it quite clear the that last thing he wanted was for Motor Ed to sit next to him, Motor Ed did so anyway. Monkey Fist moved over to the far edge of the couch.

Drakken looked from all of them to his mother nervously. any more talking to them and even his mother would begin to figure things out. He wondered how in the world they were going to get through dinner. He decided to cross that bridge when he came to it (and ignore the fact that said bridge already looked as if it was on fire). "Mother... don't you think we should go help Shego and D—Amy in the kitchen?" He didn't give her a chance to respond before pulling her out of her chair and dragging her back to the kitchen.

"So, dude," Motor Ed said to Monkey Fist. "What's up with your hands, seriously? Are you just some sort of freak of nature?"

"Something like that." Monkey Fist was silent for a moment and his lips curled into a cruel smile. "Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be eaten alive by monkeys?"

"No way. That's way weird, seriously. Why?"

"Because I'm 'seriously' considering arranging that particular event and was just wondering your feelings on the matter."

* * *

As soon as he got inside he saw that the kitchen seemed to have several holes burned into it; despite this, DNAmy seemed to be quickly cooking an entire meal at once.

"Wow," Drakken's mother said. "This smells great."

DNAmy laughed and waved off the compliment. "Thanks but this is nothing. Shego had ruined so many of the ingredients we started with that I couldn't do much, but I'm sure it'll be edible."

"Do you always cook like this?"

"It depends. I don't usually put this much effort into it if it's just me, but Monty's British so he can't cook to save his life."

Shego glared at how easily DNAmy was accomplishing a task that she lacked all ability to perform, and crossed her arms. "I can see why you hate her so much," she whispered to Drakken.

"It should be illegal to be that perky. One more thing to remember to dictate when I finally rule the world," he replied, making sure to mutter quietly enough that his mother wouldn't notice.

"I'm basically almost done here. If you want to be helpful, you can go tell everyone else." DNAmy said, looking at Shego.

Shego knew there was some kind of nasty passive-aggressive undertone to the things DNAmy were saying to her, but she wasn't about to let _that_ get to her. Besides, losing it would only make things worse. Right now her goal was just to get through this evening as quickly and painlessly as possible, if that meant letting DNAmy gloat over her superior culinary abilities, so be it.

"Sure," Shego answered.

"I-I'll help," Drakken added, having noticed that hopping from one room to the other helped him to ignore how very uncomfortable he felt in both.

"Dinner will be ready soon so sit down at the table already so we can get this over with," Shego announced as she walked into the room.

"That's the single most sensible thing I've heard anyone say all evening." Monkey Fist got up and headed over to the table.

"Look, I'm not enjoying this any more than anyone else. I just want to get everyone out of here before my mother gets too suspicious," Drakken said to him. "And speaking of suspicious, why is your girlfriend being so nice?"

Monkey Fist gave a small, dismissive shrug. "She's always nice to me."

Drakken's eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms indignantly. "Don't give me that. She's up to something."

"Possibly. She _is_ a villain after all, I can't really assure you she has the best intentions." He personally had no idea, so he wasn't even lying. Although, he probably would have been saying the same things if he knew exactly what Amy was up to.

Drakken glared at him for a few more moments before deciding that pressing Monkey Fist for information wasn't really working. "Fine! I'll find out soon enough anyway."

"Ay, that's basically the idea." Duff Killigan said as he walked into the room. He seemed to be having a perfectly civil conversation with Motor Ed, perhaps there was hope for this dinner yet.

"So wait, the golf balls like explode? Seriously? But like how do you get the ignition mechanism so small? Cause dude, that's pretty sweet, seriously." Or maybe they were all completely insane and there was no way he was getting through this night without his mother finding that out.

"I can show ye, if ye'd like. Explainin' its a wee bit hard without a visual aid," Duff answered, opening the small bag that hung off his waist.

"Umm Duff, could we not-?" Drakken started, but before he could finish with 'take out our live explosives at the dinner table,' his mother came back into the room, interrupting him.

"Dinner!" His mother announced. DNAmy was right behind her, carrying something that smelled ridiculously good. "It smells great too, doesn't it Drew?"

It occurred to Drakken that he had no idea if the food would turn them all into horrible newt-people or not. If DNAmy _was_ planning something, the attack would either be social in nature (like last time) or by giving them all food that messed with their genetic structure. Unfortunately for Drakken, as he lacked anything that could be considered skill in the area of social manipulation, he had no way to gauge which path she seemed to be following. All that he knew was that, until he did, he was _not _touching that lasagne. However, that didn't give him any reason to disagree with his mother. In fact, the more he agreed with her without thinking about it, the easier the evening would probably be. "Yes, mother."

"You know Drew," his mother said in her 'I'm whispering to make it seem private, but really I'm being louder than normal people are when they talk' voice. "Are you sure you want to date someone like her?" She nodded at Shego. "She's seems kind of mean and scary. Wouldn't you rather date say, Amy? She's nice, and accommodating, and can actually cook. Isn't that what you want in a woman?"

Drakken realized that he needed to respond to what his mother said _very _carefully, and that the wrong answer could provoke violent reactions from the entire room. Unfortunately, he was in auto-pilot mode, so by the time he made this realization, he'd already answered with a, "Yes, mother."

The room was suddenly full of land mines. Figuratively because the next thing he said could very well end his life in an intensely painful manner. And literally, because in his shock, Duff Killigan had dropped the bag of golf balls he'd been holding and they all spilled out, rolling across the floor.

Drakken took a quick look around the room. There was a _lot _of anger. The only person who didn't look either surprised or angry was, of course, DNAmy. So her plan _had_ been social. She'd set up the ideal situation for him to put his foot in his mouth and ruin his relationship. Pretty diabolical for someone who hadn't shown even the slightest interest in world conquest. It was one thing to be _evil_, but this was just unnecessary cruelty. Especially for a _slight_ insult nearly two years before. "Oh, come on! You can't all actually _believe _that I would mean that! There's no way that anyone would actually _want _to date _her_. Unless they owed her their life or something like that."

Shego resisted the urge to slap herself in the face. She hadn't attacked Drakken immediately because as soon as she heard him, she'd realized that the whole thing had been DNAmy's manipulative plan. Presumably, DNAmy had been working off the assumption that Shego would overreact and retaliate immediately. Unlike Drakken, Shego actually understood social interactions well enough to not fall into the same trap. Although, even considering Drakken's drastic lack of skill in the department of social manipulation he _should _have been able to get out of it better than that.

Before Drakken could even realize the full implications of what he'd said, he realized that he now had a small horde of monkeys rushing directly toward his head. He tried to back away from them, holding his hands up, but soon slipped on something underneath him. Something round and small and... "Oh...no..." he managed to say meekly. Just as he realized he was slipping on an exploding golf ball, it was far too late to do anything productive about it.

Examining the situation logically, Drakken would have assumed that the one upside of slipping on the exploding golf ball was that the explosion would at least get the monkeys away from him. Unfortunately, the explosion was timed _just_ right so that he experienced the burning pain of the combustion right _before_ the legions of monkeys began to attack him.

"Woah... that's intense, dude. You're really harsh, seriously," Motor Ed said to Monkey Fist, watching as the monkeys attacked his cousin.

"And to think, that could have been you," Monkey Fist answered. In all likelihood, it probably _would_ have been if Drakken hadn't decided on being openly insulting. Not that _he _felt particularly insulted, at least not personally. The day that he felt romantically threatened by Dr. Drakken was the day he dressed his monkeys as pirates and took to the seven seas; in other words it wasn't happening in this lifetime.

Still, he couldn't just allow this sort of thing happen. Twice a month, he and Amy went out. In public. On a date. Perhaps this was an occurrence that was normal for people who dated, but they did live on different continents and, for him, any sort of scheduled leaving of the house without some sort of theft or occult motivation was new to say the least. However, if that was her only request in return for restoring him from petrification in the depths of Monkey Hell, he supposed that really wasn't the end of the world. For those two days out of the month, he actually had to _behave_ as if they were dating, which meant he was attentive to her and had to accept her displays of affection. It also meant that he didn't allow her to be insulted. If Drakken insisted on being so foolish as to believe he could get away with that kind of behavior, Monkey Fist was only too happy to show him otherwise.

Shego sighed and leapt over the table to where Drakken was now curled up on the ground, screaming and trying to protect himself from the group of clawing, screeching monkeys. Shego picked up one of the monkeys and lit up her other hand, looking at Monkey Fist. "Call them off or we'll be having fried monkey for dinner!"

Monkey Fist glared at her for a moment, but realized that she was probably serious and snapped his fingers. The monkeys immediately stopped attacking Drakken and returned to stand around and behind their master. Shego dropped the monkey she was holding and it screeched and ran over to Amy, jumping up into her arms and making fearful noises. Amy gave it a sympathetic look and patted it on the head. "Aww, sweetie, I'm sorry the mean lady scared you."

"We're leaving," Monkey Fist said in a final sort of way. He'd had enough of these people for one evening, and perhaps for all eternity.

"Alright, honey," Amy answered with a small smile. She stepped around Drakken, who was still twitching on the ground and walked over to him. The monkey she was holding jumped down to join the others and they headed outside.

He looked at her, she was being strangely quiet, and seemed substantially less cheerful than usual. Great, now he had to try to cheer her up. Wasn't the only upside of dating someone as frighteningly perky as Amy was that she _didn't _really get upset? Although he supposed in this case her insecurity was valid, Drakken's insult had been incredibly targeted, even if unintentionally so. "Its only quarter till seven, we've plenty of time. Let's go to the zoo and free all of the monkeys."

"Oh! That sounds absolutely lovely! Oh Monty, you're wonderful!" She grabbed his arm tightly, her mood completely restored. That hadn't been so difficult, Amy was happy and he didn't have to see another human being for the rest of the evening. Perfect. Perhaps this dinner hadn't been a total waste after all.

Back inside, Drakken couldn't be farther from sharing that opinion. He knew that he should probably get up, but he simply lacked the motivation to move.

Drakken's mother looked at Shego. "Look what you did! People are leaving! Why were you being so mean to the cute little monkeys?"

"Okay, look, those monkeys were _not _cute little pets. They're martial arts trained _attack_ monkeys! I was _saving _your son, just like I do everyday!" Shego responded. She looked like she was about to snap.

Despite the intense pain involved, Drakken pushed himself up and stood between Shego and his mother, turning to Shego. "I think we _might _be getting a little bit close to sharing some life-ruining secrets," he said to her. If Drakken had been hoping that would cause Shego to regain her senses, he'd been sorely mistaken.

Shego pushed past him, heading toward the other side of the room. "That's it! I can't take this anymore! If this is going to be every visit from your mother from now on, you can count me out! It's already driving me insane!" With that Shego quickly left the room, heading through the door in the back, presumably headed for the escape craft.

"Shego! Wait!" Drakken called after her, but it was too late. His face fell. Was this really it? After everything they'd been through was his _mother _really enough to tear them apart? Then again, villain relationships were unstable by nature, perhaps it had been foolish for him to think anything would work out.

"Well," his mother said. "She certainly has a nasty temper. Really Drew, you're better off without her."

"No! I'm really not! Mother, you just don't understand!"

"I think I understand love, dear. You'll be over her in a few weeks."

"No, I don't think I will be _mother,_ because in a few weeks I'll probably be sitting in prison with no hope of rescue or escape because I'm a super villain and Shego, in addition to being my girlfriend is also my..." He looked at Duff Killigan a bit confused as to what word to use. "Would you say bodyguard?"

Duff Killigan put his hand on his chin, thoughtfully. "Ay, I s'ppose that'd be accurate..."

"I mean she does other things too..." Drakken blinked then gasped sharply and winced. "I just told my mother I'm a super villain! The secret I've kept ever since I dropped out of college and now..."

His mother gasped. "Drew P. Lipskey, did I just hear you say you dropped out of college?"

"Ah... well, you see, about that..." He started nervously. Drakken then gave her a quizzical look. "You mean you're not mad about the super villain thing?"

"No, of course not."

"Really?"

"Really. Is that what you've been hiding all this time?" His mother asked.

"W-Well... yes. How was I supposed to know that you'd be alright with it?"

"I'll be proud of you no matter what you choose to do because I'm your mother. You can be so silly sometimes, Drewbie."

"Well that solves one problem. Although it seems that I'm now single and missing a bodyguard and professional thief."

"Oh..." Drakken's mother said in realization. "That explains why she was so violent."

"Yes, its her _job_ to be violent. It keeps me alive."

"Oh dear, I've made a horrible mess of things, haven't I?"

"Yes, you have." Drakken's happiness that his mother had accepted his chosen profession nearly fifteen years after the fact quickly diminished in the face of his unhappiness over the loss of Shego. "Perhaps it would be best if you just took 'Cousin Eddy' and went home."

His mother looked a bit worried. "Alright, you're obviously upset, so we'll talk about you dropping out of college later. I'm sorry if I messed things up. I'm sure everything will work itself out. Come on, Eddy, let's go."

"Okay, but first I'm totally getting some of this lasagne, it still smells awesome, seriously," Motor Ed answered. He went over to the table and put a generous helping of the lasagne onto a plate before following Drakken's mother to the door.

"I'll see you later, Drewbie. Try not to worry too much!" His mother said, waving as they left.

"See ya, Cousin!"

Drakken gave a sort of half-hearted wave back. "Bye..." As soon as they were gone any sort of fake happiness that he'd been attempted to keep up for their sake disappeared as well, and he looked absolutely miserable.

Duff Killigan seemed to realize that he and Drakken were the only ones left in the room. "Ay... this is a wee bit awkward, innit it? I should probably be goin' n-" Suddenly he was cut off by the sound of crashing from above them as Kim Possible and Ron Stoppable entered the room through the ceiling.

"That's it! You're all under ar...rest?" Kim started with a voice of authority, but seemed to be more confused than anything else as she looked at the situation in front of her.

"Uhh... KP? Didn't Wade say that all of the villains were here?" Ron asked her.

"Yes, he did." Kim quickly got on her Kimunicator. "Wade! Its only Drakken and Duff Killigan here! Even Shego's gone! You interrupted our date for _this_?"

It was uncanny that someone could make him feel so terrible in such a short amount of time. In a few short sentences Kim had managed to state his worthlessness as a solo villain, remind him of the fact that Shego had left _and_ emphasize his new state of singleness by mentioning her own, functional relationship.

"They were! I had solid evidence that Monkey Fist, DNAmy, Shego and Motor Ed were there! I don't know what happened!" Wade answered. "I guess they knew you were coming and got out, or something. Sorry about that."

Kim sighed. "Its fine, Wade. If something _was_ going on, I'll get to the bottom of it. Talk to you later."

While Kim was distracted with the Kimunicator, Ron looked around the room. "Hey KP?" He tapped Kim on the shoulder.

Kim turned to look at him. "What, Ron?"

He softened his voice a bit. "Is it just me or does Drakken look sort of... I don't know... massively depressed to you?"

Kim looked at him for a moment. "Oh... I mean I wouldn't say massively depressed..." She looked again. "Okay... maybe I would. He almost looks like someone else just took over the world."

"What if they did? Kim! Just tell me it wasn't Monkey Fist!" Ron began to panic.

Kim sighed. "Ron..."

"I don't want to be a monkey!"

Kim grabbed him by the shoulders. "Ron! Monkey Fist did _not_ just take over the world. If he was taking over the world we would be there _stopping _him."

Ron's face turned from alarmed to relieved. "Oh, right. Sorry about that, KP."

"No problem." Kim looked back at Drakken. "Still, I wonder what's up with him."

Drakken realized that he should probably actually acknowledge the fact that Kim Possible had just burst into his lair "Oh, Kim Possible and her perfectly stable relationship partner who's name I really don't care about... just what I need..."

"Okay..." Kim looked at Ron, completely bewildered by Drakken's response.

"Really? You don't even _care_ about my name? After all these years?"

"Ach... I really dun' think now is a good time, lassie," Duff Killigan said to Kim. "Shego jus' left so maybe ye should be comin' back later."

Kim's eyes widened in understanding and she bit her lip, indicating how uncomfortable the situation had become now that she completely understood it. "Oh..."

"Like left for vacation?" Ron asked. "She does that all the time. Why is it such a big-oh..." Ron trailed off as he too put the pieces together. "Hey, KP this is pretty awkward, don't you think? Duff's probably right."

"Yeah..." She tried to give Drakken a nearly apologetic smile. "Just forget we were here, alright?"

Ron, meanwhile was sneaking over to the table. "Don't mind me, I'm just going to get some of this lasagne first. It smells great."

Kim grabbed Ron's collar to stop him. "No, Ron! We're leaving."

"But we missed dinner!"

"We'll eat later!"

Ron sighed. "Fine..." He began to follow her toward the door, then stopped. "Hey, KP do we still blow up the lair or...?"

Kim rolled her eyes. "Just come on!" She grabbed him by the wrist and quickly pulled him outside.

"I-I'm jus' goin' ta get goin' too," Duff said uncomfortably, taking the opportunity to quickly leave the room.

Drakken sighed and sat down on the couch. He seriously doubted that she would come back now. That was the risk he'd taken when they'd started dating: that anything he did to ruin the relationship would also mean he lost Shego as an employee... or whatever exactly she'd been before. He couldn't really do anything without her. Before she'd come along he'd been completely ineffective as a villain. After he'd finally told his mother that he was a super villain it looked as if he might be changing professions. Drakken had never particularly enjoyed irony, so it did nothing to improve his mood.

"Umm... Dr. D?" The voice directly behind him made him jump so severely he fell off the couch.

"Shego! How many times have I told you not to snea- Shego! You're back!"

Shego was standing behind the couch, looking a bit uncomfortable, as if she knew she had to do something, but knew it wasn't going to be easy. "Actually, I never left... I mean I got down the stairs and then realized that nothing that happened tonight was anything that should have really surprised me. I knew your mom was overbearing and completely ignorant of the fact you were a super villain. I knew that Motor Ed was a sexist jerk and I knew that Monkey Fist and DNAmy were freaks. It really wouldn't be fair to just dump you over things I was completely aware of long before I even considered... erm... I mean before we started dating. So... erm.." Shego's eyes darted around the room as she avoided making direct eye contact. "I guess what I'm trying to say is..."

Drakken, who had been getting over his shock while Shego had been talking now realized what was going on, well, maybe. He gave her a slightly suspicious look. "Are you apologizing?" There was no sarcasm in his voice, only genuine surprise.

Shego gritted her teeth a bit, in an attempt to suppress the rage that the very idea caused her. "Yes! I am, alright? Are you happy now?"

"So, just to be clear you're _not_ dumping me?"

"No." Shego winced a bit, knowing that her answer was still probably a bit unclear by Drakken's standards. "I'm not. We're still together."

"Then yeah, I'm happy."

"Good." She hopped effortlessly over the couch and pulled him up off the floor, as he'd been a bit too preoccupied being shocked at her arrival and later apology to bother to get up himself. "We should probably get going then."

"Alright," Drakken said. "...Wait, going where?"

"To _dinner_. You know, Saturday night, relationship, going out to dinner is sort of part of it. Especially since, you know, I destroyed our kitchen."

"Oh... right... Yes, of course."

"And it'll have to be somewhere nice, because everyone else is out tonight too and I'm _not _about to be outdone by Possible and Lord Monkey Freak." She started to walk toward the door, then looked back at him, putting a hand on her hip impatiently. "You coming or what? I mean you kind of _have _to or it's not really a date."

"Y-Yeah, sorry." Drakken shook himself out of the hold that his shock and the general trauma of the evening had on him and followed her out the door.

**The End**

**Epilogue/Stinger: **

"Shego? What does 'this number can no longer receive your call' mean?" Drakken asked, holding his phone away from his ear.

"It means that someone blocked your number," Shego said, not looking up from filing her nails.

"Oh swell," he answered bitterly. "Looks like Monkey Fist isn't accepting my calls."

"Can't imagine why," Shego commented. She turned glanced to her left. "Guess you're out of luck."

"Dude, this really bites." Next to Shego sat Motor Ed, who currently seemed to be some kind of shark mutant. "Seriously."

**A/N**: That was it. Hope you enjoyed it.

**Edit:** Also seeing as someone has already commented about this, I will clarify the word "paramour" and why I chose it. First off, ignore what dictionary .com tells you, its right but also incomplete, which is my main problem with it. I had a lengthy debate with two people before I decided to use this word. Eventually I consulted a very old dictionary published in England with Victorian-era word definitions and it not only told me the various meanings and implications (ranging from "significant other" to "mistress") but also the root of the word, which has something to do with the object of a knight's devotion, meaning that initially it was meant to be anything but insulting. And given Monkey Fist's affinity for the archaic I decided that it fit. That is why Shego wants to know who is is talking about, because it in this case changes what definition he's using. Anyway, that's my take on it. Monkey Fist's tendency to stick to what books say and ignore modern social opinions was the main reason I decided that it made sense. Sorry for my lengthy explanation of semantics, but I'm a writer, it's what I do.


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